Forget ‘wacko,’ Pierre Poilievre. Here are some old-timey insults you can use on Justin Trudeau

Justin Trudeau and Pierre Poilievre should climb into a boxing ring.

Mind you, the fisticuffs may quickly devolve into a tickle fight with schoolyard taunts. I was startled this week when my Canadian Political Unrest Hotline flashed red. It almost never does that.

Was there a coup in Ottawa? Did Jagmeet Singh defect to the Marijuana Party?

I blew dust off the landline monitored by CSIS and picked up the handset: “Hello? Yes. What? The Opposition Leader was booted from the House of Commons during Question Period after calling the Prime Minister a ‘wacko’ and refusing to withdraw the pejorative?”

Have you ever watched an exasperated parent try to calmly discipline an unruly toddler in public? This is a common sight in the cereal aisle. In a clip of this week’s Wacko-Gate, Speaker Greg Fergus was the exasperated parent.

He’s standing in the citadel of Canadian democracy, wearing a black robe and white collar, hands clasped near his waist, looking like a high priest who is praying for a less stressful job in bomb defusal or air traffic control.

Fergus: “I’m going to ask the Honourable Leader of the Opposition to withdraw that term, which is not considered parliamentary.”

Poilievre: “Mr. Speaker, I replace wacko with extremist — he’s an extremist …”

Fergus sighs. He tries again. Poilievre refuses to let go of wacko or extremist. Fergus then reads from his authorization to administer the old heave-ho.

OK. “Wacko” does not strike me as particularly offensive. Then again, I am guilty of overusing “lunatic,” “psycho,” “dipstick,” “asshat” and “douchebag.”

More important, I am not running to be Canada’s next prime minister.

So, today, as a free favour to the Conservative party, I shall offer some old-timey insults Mr. Poilievre can safely use to avoid any future game misconducts.

Why not disparage Trudeau as a bobolyne or dorbel? You want to condemn the PM’s drug policies? Call him a fopdoodle, which means foolish.

Or a pillock, which means foolish and stupid.

Here’s what Poilievre said this week to get him in soup: “When will we put an end to this wacko policy by this wacko prime minister?”

Here’s what he should have said instead: “When will we put an end to this bespawler policy by this gobermouch prime minister? The man is a gnashgab, a mooncalf, a grumbletonian, a saddle-goose, a coxcomb! Mr. Speaker, why must we whiffle-whaffle as this ninnyhammer jeopardizes the health of Canadians with his mumpsimus ideas?”

Poilievre can’t get kicked out if Fergus is frantically skimming Merriam-Webster.

Wacko is for amateurs. The real gut-punch can be found in a raggabrash or klazomaniac. Or how about Poilievre turn to the master of put-downs?

How would Shakespeare troll Trudeau? Mr. P. can click over to No Sweat Shakespeare and behold many slurs that are sure to baffle the House of Commons into dead silence:

There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.

More of your conversation would infect my brain.

His wit’s as thick as a Tewkesbury mustard.

Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!

I have no idea what that means. But now I’m craving surf-and-turf. Maybe I’ll invite Trudeau, Poilievre and Fergus to join me at Bâton Rouge. We can break bread and I will moderate as they hash out language rules that may or may not apply to fustilugs and quisby.

Again, in the modern lexicon, Wacko-Gate does not seem scandal worthy. I’ve certainly heard far worse from politicos in the chambers of other Commonwealth nations. But refusing to withdraw wacko at the threat of ejection?

That seemed more performative than principled.

If Poilievre does not want to familiarize himself with the sick burns of yesteryear, maybe he should change tack and try something new to rattle his opponent. He should enter the House of Commons with fancy socks on his hands. Then without saying an objectionable word, he could perform a puppet show by simply mimicking as Trudeau speaks.

It would be like the Munk Debates meets Casey and Finnegan.

Or maybe everyone can grow up and stop acting likes kids in the cereal aisle?

We need our leaders to lead — not be spotlight hounds in a reality show. There is an election on the horizon. Please, no distractions on the vertical downlow.

Over the next few months, Justin Trudeau and Pierre Poilievre need to articulate policies and explain how this great country can tick toward a better tomorrow. I get there is no love lost here. JT thinks PP is a far-right threat to democracy. PP thinks JT is a feckless wokester who is putting our future behind the 8-ball.

Fine. Make your cases and let the chips fall where they may on election day.

But until then, knock it off with the name calling. Canadians find it wacko.