I’m dumping you, America. Thanks to Trump’s tariffs I’m ready to date other countries

Is there a Canadian company that makes pins and needles?

Holy John A. Macdonald, now we know what it means to have a neighbour from hell. King Donald is running his gas mower at 3 a.m., giving us the middle finger as we pull into the driveway and threatening financial ruin if we don’t hand over the deed to our house.

With friends like this, who needs China or Russia?

The good news? The U.S. president blinked and agreed to delay what the Wall Street Journal called “the dumbest trade war in history.” Alas, stupid is as stupid does. Now that Trump has taken an unwanted interest in Canada like we are a leggy supermodel who loves both the UFC and KFC, we are on pins and needles for 30 days, if not the next four years.

It’s more than tariffs — we are trapped in an abusive relationship with Beelzebub.

Can we totally break up with America? No. There is no restraining order for countries. But we can consciously uncouple as we Buy Canadian and embrace a surge of patriotism usually reserved for Olympic gold medals or beer ads.

The crucial thing to understand about President Loco is that he is both predictable and unpredictable. The daily chaos? Predictable. How this manifests? Unpredictable.

One day he is running his yap about buying Greenland with his Visa or invading the Panama Canal. The next, he will be animated by something else the cross-eyed gremlins in his brain shoot down the pneumatic tube into his mouth: “Since my people are the ones who drive holiday sales, I am signing an executive order to change the name of Black Friday to White Friday.”

Our politicians need to be diplomatic with this wannabe dictator and answer to the question, “What do you get when you turn a toxic sewer and misprinted Sudoku into the leader of the free world?” So give Justin Trudeau high marks for striking the perfect tone when outlining Canada’s retaliatory tariffs should the dumbest trade war in history come to pass.

Republican lawmakers were thrown into a panic this weekend at the prospect of potash shortages and rising aluminum prices. They begged Trump to rethink his idiotic tariffs. And he did, for now, after Trudeau vowed 10,000 new border agents, greater surveillance and a “fentanyl czar.”

Trump loves branding, even if involves a ridiculous figurehead.

I guess he forgot Trudeau already made these commitments. And I’m assuming he does not know that only 43 pounds of fentanyl were seized at the Canadian border last year. Blaming Canada for fentanyl is like accusing Afghanistan of exporting koalas. Do we need a cactus czar in Antarctica?

If Trump genuinely cares about fentanyl trafficking, targeting a country responsible for just 0.2 per cent of the inflow makes about as much sense as expecting Taylor Swift to show up at the Super Bowl this weekend in an Eagles jersey. It’s not happening and we are not the problem.

Our politicians need to mollycoddle this madman because he is reckless. Trump is crazy enough to destroy the global economy out of spite. But the rest of us don’t need to bat our eyelashes at our abuser. We can quiet quit America with our wallets and vacation destinations.

For the first time ever, I am reading labels on products and trying to buy Canadian. Websites such as madeinca.ca are a help, though some listings are too niche to achieve critical mass unless there is a sudden demand in Canada for custom ladders and cutting boards.

That sad truth is we don’t manufacture enough of what we consume. We export our natural resources and then buy back finished products made elsewhere.

That said, retailers should segregate products by country of origin. Put Canadian flag stickers on our stuff and relegate the made-in-America wares to dark corners behind an alligator-filled moat.

After the U.S. election, a number of readers emailed me the same idea: Canadians should stop travelling to America. We are their No. 1 source of tourism. Canadians cross the border about 20 million times a year. Why are we pouring disposable income into Vegas? We have our own casinos. Snowbirds, please consider trading Florida for Cancun. Take your family to Europe or Asia. Or better yet, staycation in Canada until Agent Orange is gone.

When the red hats glance at a map, they see Canada as nothing more than America’s toque. They think we live in igloos and pour maple syrup on our poutine. It’s why Trump believes we’d “love” to be the 51st state — gosh, military protection AND indoor plumbing?

It’s why he wrongly believes he can bully us into submission. He can’t because we won’t let him.

Farewell, America. It’s you, not us. We had a good thing going.

Now we need to date other countries that will treat us right.