Is it safe to eat that food on the kitchen floor? Scientists keep debating the ‘five-second rule’ like it’s string theory

Science has improved the world. Science can also waste everyone’s time.

Over the years, intrepid researchers have formulated hypotheses and set out to answer questions most third graders could nail without a lab or grant.

Knee surgery slows down jogging. Where does belly button lint come from? Homelessness is bad for life expectancy. Electric fans provide health benefits in extreme heat. Does wearing socks over your shoes reduce the risk of slipping on ice? It is nearly impossible to lick your elbow.

One particular subject is studied more than cancer: “The five-second rule.”

As you will recall from childhood, the five-second rule imposes a time limit on when it’s safe to eat something dropped on the floor. When I was a kid, I could swear it was the three-second rule. Maybe my parents were 40 per cent more cautious.

In a new experiment this week that went viral on TikTok, a microbiologist has concluded there is no safe time. All plunging foodstuff gets contaminated upon impact. Throw it away.

Nicholas Aicher, who works in quality control, put petri dishes on the floor for various times, ranging from one second to one minute. The results? Every petri dish showed bacterial growth after placed in a cultivator.

White spots appeared on every test sample.

There are some issues with methodology. First, most people do not feast on agar out of a petri dish. If scientists must keep studying the five-second rule, they should simulate real life.

You know? Drop a Hungry Man dinner after it’s microwaved too long and the tray burns your fingers. Drop a sub to see which ingredients are still safe after the sandwich explodes. Drop a hot dog and test the mustard for Ebola. Drop a bowl of jelly beans and see if the ones that rolled under the stove that hasn’t moved in 15 years are a golden ticket to the ER.

I would have also encouraged the researcher to use a control variable — a petri dish not on the floor that was briefly exposed to atmospheric conditions atop a counter or table. My guess? More white spots. Why? We live in a toxic stew. I will never understand people who munch in the bathtub next to a toilet. You are garnishing your meal with acrobatic microbes.

Aicher’s conclusions arrived by hashtags: “#germ #gross #nasty #bacteria.”

His takeaway: Do not eat anything that kisses the floor.

But I’d say the five-second rule really depends on socioeconomics. In my early 20s, I would have devoured my Taco Bell even if it landed in rat poison. I had no choice. That was lunch and I was broke. I knew dudes in college who followed the 48-hour rule if they found a slice of pizza under a futon. Some were even ambivalent to curdled milk.

What I don’t get is why scientists keep debating this like it’s string theory.

Headlines from recent years: “Science Says the Five-Second Rule Isn’t Such a Bad Idea.” “The Five-Second Rule Is a Dangerous Urban Legend.” “I’m a Doctor. If I Drop Food on the Kitchen Floor, I Still Eat It.” “Debunking The Five-Second Rule.” “Five-Second Rule Proven True.” “Five-Second Rule For Food on Floor Is Untrue, Study Finds.”

Holy dirty tater tots, we get it! The eggheads can’t decide if it’s safe to consume an omelette that slipped off the spatula because you were startled after the cat jumped on your shoulders. That happened to me last weekend. After a quick rub with a paper napkin, I ate it. I am still alive. Was it delicious? It was disgusting. But not because of the floor — I went overboard on the onions.

What is the history of the “five-second rule”? This is murky. It has been attributed to everyone from Julia Child to Genghis Khan. He reportedly imposed a “Khan Rule” at smorgasbords. Food prepared for the K-Man was deemed divinely blessed and therefore fresh no matter how long it rotted in the dirt. So go ahead and swallow that filthy oxtail. Hesitate and risk disembowelment.

Some cultural historians say the five-second rule is an “old wives’ tale.” It sounds more like an “old husbands’ tale” that arose after a hapless dad was tasked with watching a toddler angrily hurl meatballs because he wanted cookies for dinner.

It’s time to stop the clock on this five-second debate. This is a case-by-case decision. It is based on food and surface. An ice cream cone that lands upside down on tile? Scrape off a bit and you’re good. Lasagna on shag carpet? Writeoff. Other variables to consider include age, disposable income, hunger pangs, blood-alcohol level and the presence of eyewitnesses.

Sorry, science, this is a personal choice. Now find a cure for cancer.