Elon Musk’s robot Optimus may kill us. But it will never fold our laundry

I will change my opinion when Optimus can do my chores.

But after watching two videos this week, it seems clear I will be busting my hump weeding, grouting, decluttering, polishing and dishwashing until I shuffle off this mortal coil.

Optimus, like owner Elon Musk, is a humanoid.

The Tesla Bot stands as tall as Brad Pitt, looks like a roadie for Daft Punk and walks upright, albeit with the gingerly gait of Joe Biden after one too many chocolate chip soft swirls.

In one video shared by Musk, Optimus navigates a pewter floor. There is something off about the bipedal locomotion. Optimus looks like it is either trying to sneak up on a snoozing kitten or really needs to use the bathroom.

But let’s focus on Musk’s second video, in which Optimus folds laundry.

Optimus reaches into a bin and removes a black T-shirt. Creepy silver fingers splay the garment on a table. Optimus makes a few agonizingly tentative folds, as if trying to defuse a bomb rather than impress Marie Kondo.

This was just one T-shirt. Optimus downshifted into slo-mo over one menial task. If Optimus did the laundry I do every week, it would need six months per load and the hoodies would be inside out as undies got balled into mismatched socks.

The tech bros need new priorities. Who cares if a robot is strong enough to pull a big rig with a hook where a head should be? That’s pointless innovation. That’s just brute force, the last thing we humans need to deal with after the robot uprising begins.

Where is the robot that can be trusted to feather-dust without breaking a lamp?

You know why Musk shared that laundry video? Because shirt-folding is a dilemma that has vexed robot engineers for years. It’s right up there with packing a suitcase or tying shoelaces. Robots are like children. They struggle with everyday tasks. If Optimus lived with me and went to school with my daughters, I have no doubt it would always forget to empty its lunch box and rinse out the thermos.

Then it’s 8 p.m. and I’m like, “Optimus, turn off Netflix and do your homework!”

You can teach a robot to jump rolling logs. You can’t teach it responsibility.

Are you seriously telling me there is no way to make a telescopic robot arm that can change the motion-sensing lights on the side of my house? I almost fell off a ladder yesterday. Meanwhile, Musk is investing millions to make millions of robots that will never be able to make the right call between stain removal and fabric softening.

Don’t tell me, “Well, there are robot vacuums.” Yeah, and I can do a better job cleaning with my fireplace mini-broom and dustpan. Robot vacuums are lazy prima donnas that are mailing it in, especially on carpets. My Roomba committed suicide. I’m not joking. We only had it for a few weeks and then one day it took a wrong turn, crashed down the hardwood stairs and was reborn as a worthless jigsaw puzzle.

These lame household gadgets know they are second-class machines. They realize the cool robots are the ones that now scare the living daylights out of humans.

Have you ever seen a promo reel for Boston Dynamics? Hey, look at this advanced robot dog we made that can open any doorknob. Is this a smart idea? No, especially when we are trying to hide from robot dogs that are under Skynet orders to harvest our organs.

The maniacs at Boston Dynamics have invented robots that can do backflips and jump onto parked cars, so good luck with your getaway. There are now robots that can’t be kicked over and toppled, another big problem if you are trying to not get murdered.

I once watched footage of a robot named Handle. It had limbs, two wheels and could traverse any terrain at breakneck speed. Why? What are the practical applications here beyond hunting us down? What I have yet to see in a video featuring machines with ominous names such as RISE, PETMAN, SAND FLEA or WILDCAT is a chilled-out, non-threatening robot that is peeling carrots or scrubbing toilets or sorting recycling.

Optimus folds laundry about as well as Elon Musk runs X.

I’m worried about AI stealing white collar jobs. It’s already happening. I’m not worried about robots taking over our mundane tasks because, as awesome as that would be, they can’t do the job. Optimus needed 30 seconds to fold a T-shirt?

I have a drawer of bandanas and pocket squares — I’m old and have lived through many trends — that are folded with crisper edges. Marie Kondo would hug me.

I need a robot that can find a book I’m looking for on deadline — not do handstands on the patio. I need a robot that can change the batteries in the remote control before I run out of AA. I need a robot that can open pickle jars and wash the car. I need a robot that can come up with a perfect excuse to get me out of a cocktail party I do not want to attend.

Or don a disguise and pretend to be me.

Is it wrong to want a robot to do all the stuff I hate doing?

Optimus may kill us all. But it will never do our chores.