How bad is Lara Trump’s song ‘Anything Is Possible’? So bad it might save America

The world owes Rebecca Black an apology.

For years, the singer’s “Friday” ranked atop lists of Worst Songs Ever. But while it’s clear “Friday” was not a Lennon-McCartney masterpiece, that track never made me want to pour cement into my cochlear to stop the sonic horror. So let me revise: “Friday” is a Lennon-McCartney masterpiece compared to Lara Trump’s “Anything is Possible.”

As a general rule, I always cheer when people chase down their dreams. But in this case, Ms. Trump’s Billboard dream is a potential weapon of mass destruction. The Donald’s daughter-in-law, and new co-chair of the Republican National Committee, believes she is a singer.

It’s like Bigfoot trying to pass himself off as a Lilliputian.

Before I rant, listen to “Anything Is Possible” and judge for yourself. I simply advise the use of headphones if there are babies or skittish pets within hearing range. If using speakers, please also remove all breakables from the room.

As Jimmy Kimmel noted this week: “Auto-Tune doesn’t work on everybody.”

Correct. While the Auto-Tune in Lara’s recording studio is clearly working harder than a Draco thruster on a SpaceX rocket, the tech still can’t trick human ears into not believing the artist is recording this treacly, screechy ditty as a big rig backs up over her toes.

I once saw an old man get startled by an iguana in a Mexican resort. The gargled sound he made while momentarily airborne was downright melodious compared to when Lara belts out, “It’s getting hard in this hurricane life,” or adds extra syllables to “possible.”

If her chorus lyrics included “the,” it would come out “thawaathaaa.”

This is not a song — it is proof there is no artistic talent in Trumpville.

This is why Lara Trump needs to release a new song every week. If she loves America, her wretched warbling could be the one thing to neutralize the political polarization as both liberals and conservatives seek common ground while covering their ears and gently weeping.

If Lara hummed “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” to Marjorie Taylor Greene, the deranged congresswoman from Georgia would see the light and agree to support Ukraine just to make the humming stop. Played on a loop, Lara’s godforsaken cover of Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” could trigger soul-searching within the GOP as they wonder how they backed down to a grifting charlatan who has led a once great political party into the thrashing backwaters of conspiracy theories and an outright rejection of reality.

Lara Trump should play a concert at every Donald Trump rally until the U.S. election in November. Right now, the Republican nominee, criminal defendant and Bible salesman is having a hell of time programming the music at his pity-me parties because actual musicians have kindly asked that he stop playing their hits to energize the red hat zombies.

The knock-it-off and cease-and-desists have come from Adele to Aerosmith, the Beatles to Bruce Springsteen, CCR to Elton John, Guns N’ Roses to Ozzy Osbourne, R.E.M. to Rihanna. The estates of Leonard Cohen, Luciano Pavarotti, Prince, Sinéad O’Connor and Tom Petty have objected to DJ DJT’s unauthorized use of their music. Neil Young would much prefer to have “Rockin’ in the Free World” blasted at a Florida book burning than a GOP rally.

Even Nickelback objects to the reputational harm caused by Donald Trump.

But America can heal and restore equilibrium if Lara Trump sings in place of the canned MP3s from the Village People or the White Stripes, two other bands that are anti-MAGA. If the Trump cult was forced to endure a Lara conceptual cover of the Who’s “Quadrophenia,” in which Jimmy Cooper is reimagined as an anti-woke warrior exposing the great replacement theory, there’d be a mass exodus before Donald even hit the stage.

The exiting red hats would be like, “You know, maybe Joe Biden isn’t so bad. Do you have any ear drops?”

Say what you will of Hunter, but that guy never butchered “Beast of Burden.” I have no clue how politics got so divided. But after listening to “Anything Is Possible” on Tuesday, I am convinced this song can help bridge the gap.

Regardless of your ideology, your musicology can leave no doubt it’s far more dangerous for Lara to have a mic than it is for Iran to have a nuke. My inner tinfoil hat wonders if Lara is actually an altruist in a sleeper cell who was activated to save her country, one dreadful song at a time.

If America can’t unite around what makes it great, it can join hands and agree on the objectively bad. So thank you, Lara Trump. And, sorry, Rebecca Black.

“Anything Is Possible” is the worst song ever recorded.