In a world that is getting more stabby, Swiss Army Knives imagines future tools with no knives

The home page for Swiss Army Knives has a photo of a woman slicing an apple.

Her male companion glances down at the blade. He does not look scared. Why they are using a multipurpose tool while noshing on a cheese board is not clear. Maybe an Alpine marmot broke into their kitchen and looted the utensils. But in the future, this peckish couple may need to buy pre-cut fruit, gruyère and salt-cured meats.

Because in the future, a Swiss Army Knife may have no knife.

As a spokesperson for Victorinox, the parent company, told CNN this week: “We are in the early stages of developing pocket tools without blades.”

Weird, right? It’s like hearing about a new TV remote that can’t change channels.

It seems there are macro factors pressing down on pocket tools, including an increase in global regulations around knife-carrying. This is especially true in Europe where bans and restrictions target violent criminals who tend to stab more than they shoot.

The Swiss Army Knife, around since 1897, was designed to be a utility tool. It was never envisioned as a weapon. As Carl Elsener Jr., the company’s CEO, told Switzerland’s Blick: “In England or certain Asian countries, you are sometimes only allowed to carry a knife if you need to have it to do your job or operate outdoors. In the city, however, when you go to school, to the cinema, or to go shopping, carrying pocket knives is severely restricted.”

So now the company is expanding into the previously unknown segment of bladeless knives. It’s like a hair dryer that shoots water. But the business strategy is sound. This is why we can’t have nice things — especially sharp things.

Mass-producing a tool that may be prohibited in a growing number of markets makes about as much sense as selling a throw rug that could be deemed a tripping hazard by consumer agencies. But my fear is this shift away from knives will only sharpen Swiss Army’s resolve to confuse us with even more specialized tools nobody uses.

The company is already devoting R&D to cycling and golf. You think there isn’t a top-secret department in Ibach now testing gadgets for pickleball or pumpkin spice? Swiss Army Bellybutton De-Linter. It could happen.

I marvel at the design of my Swiss Army Knife. But aside from once using it as a bottle opener during a drunken patio party, I have never deployed the small blade, large blade, screwdriver, wire stripper, sewing awl, tweezers or toothpick. What does that weird hook do? Tighten your shoelaces? My fingers aren’t the size of crab claws. What am I supposed to cut with these tiny scissors? The letters from the bottom line of an eye chart?

As the spokesperson told CNN: “With innovation at the core of our brand, we are constantly listening to our consumers and their needs; and acknowledge that there is an appetite for the functionality, versatility and craftsmanship the Swiss Army Knife is known for in more specialized fields and situations.”

Swiss Army? I have needs. Can you invent a Swiss Army Road Rage? When I see another motorist violate a No Left Turn sign, I can roll down my window and push a button on the red device that beams a message: “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”

Instead of having one tool that has like 143 functions, the company should pivot to creating multiple tools that have only one function. Swiss Army Robot Weeder. I chuck it on my lawn and go watch the Jays get pummelled as it crawls around on insect legs, uprooting dandelions and going scorched earth on crab grass.

Wait. I know. The Swiss Army GOP Silencer. Every time Marjorie Taylor Greene is about to unleash a crazy rant about Jewish space lasers or Kristi Noem tries to rationalize shooting her puppy in the face, this gizmo turns into earplugs with a UV gaslighting filter.

Or how about the Swiss Army Domestic Bliss? This unit does not have any extendable tools. It just sits in your pocket and listens in case you say the wrong thing. Then it silently vibrates to help you course correct: “This shrimp pasta tastes like suffering — vibrate — I mean, it tastes divine! And this roasted cauliflower is to die for! Honey, I may actually die after one more bite! Excuse me for one sec. I need to find my Swiss Army Defibrillator.”

A Swiss Army Knife without a blade is like a lamp without a bulb. But what can Victorinox do? It needs to course correct in a world that is getting more stabby.

For now, the bladeless tools will complement the bladed ones. That is sure to change.

So cherish your existing Swiss Army Knife — even if you never use it.