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Is ‘pet psychic’ the job of the future? One former lawyer now charges $550 per session to read the minds of cats, dogs, even bearded dragons

cat psychics

The future of work has been creeping up on us — we just never noticed, writes Vinay Menon. And it includes people like who claim they can

To discover the jobs of tomorrow, ask your cat or dog.

But first you’ll need to hire a pet psychic. Well? Can you translate meows and barks? We keep hearing about how AI will siphon millions of jobs. I was chatting with someone recently who is up on this stuff and she rattled off professions — coders, paralegals, accountants, graphic designers, customer service reps — that are doomed.

But you know what AI can’t do? Read the mind of your hamster.

Let us now be eager beavers and send our lizard brains down a rabbit hole without having a cow. We begin with a story in the Wall Street Journal this week about how “animal communicators” are “making their way from the fringe to socially acceptable.”

The story features one Nikki Vasconez. She quit her job as a lawyer four years ago to become an animal whisperer. In addition to cats and dogs, it seems Ms. Vasconez is fluent in horse, pig, turtle and cow. This polyglot even dabbles in bearded dragon.

Pet psychic: “How are you feeling today?”

Bearded dragon: “How do you think, Nikki? I’m jonesing for a cricket, these lunatics keep feeding me Rice Krispies and the dad nearly sat on me yesterday.”

Vasconez became a pet psychic superstar after a session with a dog named Albie went viral. Albie allegedly was depressed because, as he allegedly confided to Nikki, he didn’t like his nickname because it allegedly made people think he was “large and overweight.”

“Those were his exact words,” said Nikki. “I later found out his nickname was Big Al.”

Wait! Where are you going? Don’t stop reading now! I didn’t get to her pay. Vasconez charges $550 for a 90-minute session. Do high-end escorts even make that much?

And get this: Vasconez has wait-list of more than 7,600 pet owners.

Hopefully, there are no mice owners past 5,000. Those rodents only live for like two years.

I’m also confused about how this works. These are phone sessions? So, what, the owner holds the receiver to a chihuahua’s ear and it telepathically reveals it is struggling with a Napoleon complex? What about fish? Has a neon tetra ever requested a tiny towel? Has a mule ever told a pet psychic to take a hike by walking a mile in its hooves?

One drunken night in Germany I befriended a boar who rambled about eugenics.

It was as disconcerting as this pet psychic trend. Humans, do you not see what’s happening? The jobs of tomorrow will not be in offices — they will be in houses. People who do not lose their jobs to AI will hire people who have lost their jobs to AI.

The economy will go from gig to peer-to-peer.

Right now, I write a column. In the future, I may be writing your grocery list.

How am I supposed to make avocados relatable?

More news this week: Uber announced a pilot project. Uber already drives us around and brings us dinner. Now it wants to corner the market on chores. Yes, Uber Tasks is getting ready to send some poor bastard to your home to assemble furniture, do laundry, mow the lawn, shovel snow, pack for a move or decorate for the holidays.

My wife hasn’t been this excited since I renounced my citizenship in Leafs Nation.

The future of work has been creeping up on us — we just never noticed.

Think about it. Personal shoppers. Personal stylists. Life coaches. During the pandemic, enterprising barbers trekked scissors to your backyard. I paid good money so my teenage daughters could get primped and styled under an apple tree. Crazy.

But when you start connecting these seismic dots, the pet psychic trend makes sense. Some now earn a living by running errands for others. Some are minting a fortune by serving as cross-species therapists for poodles and tabbies.

It’s all connected. And not knowing how AI will play out, instead of fear and loathing, we should contemplate ways to monetize the lives of other humans before the robots do.

Your future employer may now live on your street. The key is to discover a niche.

Pet psychic is too much of a racket and hassle. I’m not having a 90-minute chat with an iguana and then telling owners with a straight face it can’t work out free will versus determinism. Analyze your cat’s dreams? It wants to be 900 pounds so it can snap your neck with one bite and then take an 18-hour nap. That’ll be $550.

Forget pet psychic. If the Star ever goes belly up, I’m going to reinvent as a pet namer.

Rover.com recently unveiled the top four-legged names in Toronto for 2023. Luna was No. 1 for both female cats and dogs? The top male cat name in this city is Alfredo? The fastest trending canine and feline names, respectively, are Charlie and Beans? Boring!

When you hire me, for $7,500 per hour plus Grey Goose expenses, I will come to your house and get to know your family. We will discuss your hobbies. I will input your life experiences into an Excel spreadsheet and assign numeric values based on flashbulb memories. Then I will pick up that new gerbil: “You are hereby Moondust Magenta IV.”

And if you are dissatisfied, I will offer a partial refund and pick up your dry-cleaning.

Credit belongs to : www.thestar.com

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