The Australian Firefighters Calendar is out and we normal lads can’t compete

At a party years ago, a young man approached me with a question.

I had recently written a column about the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. And this chap, who told me he was gay, wanted to know why I never write about hot men. He just wanted to flag a blind spot.

Sir, if you’re out there, this one is for you. And thanks for the martini.

This dispatch is also for those who love cute animals and great charities. (Subliminal message: donate to the Star’s Santa Claus Fund.) It is also for firefighter groupies — apparently, that’s a thing — neo-Luddites who still rely upon paper calendars, Down Under enthusiasts and heterosexual women who get a jolt in ogling beefcake while jotting down birthday reminders and doctor appointments.

The 2024 Australian Firefighters Calendar is now on sale. According to a story in People this week, the calendar “reaches over 90 countries and has found a large fanbase in North America. To recognize these fans, the Australian Firefighters Calendar included two American firefighters and a Canadian firefighter in its 2024 editions.”

It’s the “90 countries” that caught my attention. That’s more than Uber. According to World Population Review, Amazon has dedicated ops in roughly 50 countries.

Seriously? These ripped Aussie hose heroes have greater penetration? (So to speak.)

To give myself a crash course in hot men on Wednesday, I watched YouTube videos and clicked over to the Australian Firefighters Calendar website. It was an anatomical blur of abs, pecs, delts, biceps and, for some reason, red suspenders snapped over naked torsos.

There were also many animals. This is a problem I shall address.

The 2024 Australian Firefighters Calendar is actually six editions, including: “Dog Calendar,” “Cat Calendar,” “Horse Calendar” and “Mixed Animal Calendar.” That one features hot men smirking with ducks, a koala, piglet, alpaca, meerkat, marmoset and other species I can’t identify because I’m suddenly too ashamed of my body.

I’ve been lucky to meet and hear from people in all walks of life over the years. Firefighters are near the top of my Favourite People list. Near the bottom are astronomers, a column for another day. When is the last time you heard about a firefighter scandal? I bet you never have. These brave and selfless souls spend hours of tedium in a hall that smells like wet tube socks, playing poker and making communal vats of pasta, until the bell rings and they slide down a two-floor stripper poll, strap on flame-retardant gear, cling to a giant red truck and, sirens blaring, race toward an inferno to save lives.

God bless all firefighters. And if they want to moonlight as models, so be it.

But it’s not just Down Under. Fire departments around the world now hire photographers and body oil spritzers to shoot calendars of the hot men on payroll. This is uncommon in other occupations. There is no Actuarial Calendar in which half-dressed nerds with pocket protectors pasted to their nipples pose lasciviously under a waterfall while calculating insurance risks. Can you imagine if the provincial government produced a calendar? And Mr. July was a bare-chested Doug Ford grilling Italian sausage in a red thong?

But firefighters can pull this off because, due to the physical demands of their insane jobs, they are in tip-top shape. If I had to climb a ladder into a third-storey bedroom and carry a coughing grandmother down over my shoulder, we’d both die. Some of those Australian lads have bulges and plate tectonic lines in bodily places I didn’t even know existed.

After 20 minutes of intense photo analysis, I started questioning my own sexuality.

And that’s why posing with delightful animals is a bridge too far. It’s a missed opportunity.

Shame on you, Australian Firefighters. Shame! We normal lads can’t compete against you as it is. But now you’re exploiting kittens and puppies as our wives and girlfriends are getting a sensual retinal charge while simultaneously cooing, Ahhhhh.

This is cheating. It’s disgusting.

If I want my wife to have impure thoughts, I’ll start using the laundry hamper.

Proceeds from the Australian Firefighters Calendar go to good causes. No question. But you know who does not have a charity? Regular fellows. That’s right. Where are our goodwill ambassadors? Who cares about our hopes and dreams? I deserve a wish.

So what I am proposing today is that these preposterously handsome Australian firefighters consider a new calendar for 2025.

Instead of posing with animals, they pose with regular joes. They put the spotlight on us.

In this new calendar, fully dressed normal men will piggyback on half-naked hot men as if we are equal. They will carry us in their Herculean arms like bundles of firewood. They will hoist us on their shoulders to get a better view of the parade in our sweater vests.

We will sit cross-legged on their chests eating carnival waffles. They will grin and unscrew our pickle jars. They will do our chores, from January to December.

And all proceeds from this 2025 calendar will go to a new man’s charity.

There are already countless animal charities. I donate to more than one. But, hey, Australian firefighters, I don’t see any charities looking out for men — especially dads.

It is time to champion our cause. It is time to help us flex our flab.