Blake Lively wore pants that were shoes and why can’t we all have multipurpose clothing?

Blake Lively wore “pants that were shoes” to the Super Bowl.

It seems the actor, soda tycoon, better half of Ryan Reynolds and Taylor Swift BFF prefers outfits that can multi-task. Since I am old, male and confused, I turned to Glamour.

The magazine explained: “The actor layered her slouchy tracksuit jacket over a white sports bra top, with matching stiletto pants. As in, the pants are attached to the stilettos, making them combination stiletto-pants. Or ‘shants’ …”

Glamour may have botched the portmanteau. Wouldn’t stiletto pants be stants? As Lively described on Instagram this week, these were shoe pants — shants. But let’s not be pedantic.

I just look forward to one day owning shirt gloves — shoves.

Sweetheart, I need to go outside to shovel. Have you seen my shoves?

The celebrity suck-ups at People identified Blake’s football getup as a Balenciaga x Adidas design. It retails for $3,790 (U.S.). The red with white stripes tracksuit “is loose and baggy on top and tapered at the bottom with the hems appearing to be sewn to a pair of pointed-toe, stocking stilettos, creating a onesie-like silhouette.”

Neat. But what if you need alterations? Do you try to find a tailor-cobbler? What happens when you’re asked to remove your shoes at airport security? Did Blake sashay through the X-ray scanner in her panties? There are ups and downs to everything, including shants.

If chased by a jungle cat, I would not want my pants to be attached to my shoes because that would limit any tearaway Hail Mary. Bad. But if I were running late to catch a bus, shoes attached to pants could save a few minutes. Good.

Why isn’t there more multipurpose attire? In the Italian port city of Brindisi, I once saw a woman who had an umbrella hat. It was like one of those headbands from an aerobics video, circa 1984. But prongs and ribs jutted up from the elastic to support a canopy.

I probably creeped out this poor woman. I could not stop staring at her head.

It was ingenious — a hands-free shield from the drizzle.

This is the enduring problem with fashion: it is never practical. Fancy cities hold “Fashion Week” around this time of year. It’s always a spectacle of the absurd.

The hot spring trend is … alien chic.

The hot summer trend is … pioneer skirts.

The hot fall trend is … invisible jeans.

The hot winter trend is … looking like you just lost a paintball tournament before getting tarred and feathered and tumbling into an industrial document shredder.

At New York Fashion Week this month, one designer had models strut the catwalk in black tape bikinis. How is this even design? It reminds me of the artist who stuck a banana to a wall. Planning a beach vacation this winter? You don’t need to drop hundreds on designer swimwear. Just go to Home Depot and duct-tape your naughty bits.

In 2019, the Financial Times published a story that asked, “Are multipurpose clothes the future?” There were references to “reversible parkas” and “shoes with detachable soles.”

As one expert told the publication: “In an age where society is becoming more morally conscious of purchases and reducing waste, pieces which offer practical and flexible elements for various events or climates will make customers feel like they are getting more bang for their buck.”

Yeah. But right now you need 3,790 bucks to get any bang. We are not all Blake Lively.

Where are the affordable sweaters that can double as camping tents? Where are the antigravity socks? Where is the cravat that can unfold into a dinner napkin? Where is the miniskirt that can roll down to your ankles like window blinds when you’re feeling modest?

Blake Lively wore pants that were shoes and the world will never be the same.

The belt merchants are the only ones who have nailed the multipurpose dream.

All my belts have split personalities. That is the charm of reversibility. If I’m wearing a black suit to an event, my belt is black. Wearing khakis as I mow the lawn with a sad face? That same belt is now brown. Why can’t they do this with brogues? You push a button on the heel and now your feet are tan, oxblood, bone, pewter or English racing green.

This would reduce to zero the number of times a spouse says, “You don’t match.”

I’m sorry, Sweetheart, I would match if I could afford shants!

Hang on. A scarf that has two hidden sleeves. Do I have to think of everything? Go ahead and patent that idea. I won’t have time this weekend as I do loads of family laundry comprised entirely of utterly useless, single-purpose garments.

What a waste. Blake does not deserve shants. She is gorgeous. Her beauty radiates from the inside. She is always smiling. She could go to the Super Bowl twirled up in ratty wallpaper from the 1950s and look like a million bucks.

That’s why she needs to realize her true calling.

It is time to divorce Mr. Reynolds. It is time to abandon her children. It is time to quit Hollywood. It is time to sell Betty Buzz. It is time to focus on the sartorial revolution we all deserve.

Blake Lively must become a global ambassador for multipurpose clothing.

Only she can stitch a future in which we all have shants.