Have trouble sleeping? Try cuddling a teddy bear — snoozing with stuffed animals isn’t just for kids anymore

Amazon has a department that sells, “Stuffed Animals for Grown-Ups.”

This is not surprising. Amazon has a department for everything. Type any word into the search bar — satanic, tumbleweed, aquamarine, baroque — and the retail behemoth will spit out product matches.

Let me ask you a few questions: 1. Are you a good sleeper? 2. Do you toss and turn? 3. Do you wake up feeling refreshed? 4. Do you fight the urge to nap in the afternoon? 5. Is it possible you might boost your nightly slumber by cuddling a teddy bear?

I ask because the data is clear: too many adults have poor sleep hygiene and this is a ticking time-bomb. Researchers at Penn State recently published a study. It found more than half of the participants were “insomnia sleepers.”

Over a 10-year-period, this put them at “higher risk for cardiovascular disease, diabetes, depression and frailty.”

When it comes to health, sleep never gets the same PR as diet or exercise.

I am a lifelong insomniac now diagnosed with apnea. So I use a CPAP machine. It has helped a bit, even if I still wake up a few times a night looking like a brown Teletubby with nostrils held hostage by a silicon mask and a hose swivelling on the top of my skull.

Now I’m wondering if I might maximize my sleep by reverting to childhood.

The New York Times published a story last month, “The Case For Sleeping With Stuffed Animals As An Adult.” It sounded as strange as, “The Case For Sucking Your Thumb As An Adult.”

I don’t know any grown-ups who sleep with stuffed animals.

Then again, why would they tell me? If I’m having drinks with a friend, it’s not as if he’s going to casually volunteer a nocturnal tidbit about how he can’t get any shut-eye without his floppy-eared bunny. The Rock is not jumping on Instagram to show fans his beloved bedtime buddy, a plush lion named Simba. That would be career-limiting.

There are certain things we do not talk about. I also don’t know anyone who pees in the shower. But the data suggests this is impossible. Do some of my friends pee in the shower? I don’t know and, quite honestly, I don’t want to know. But, statistically, some must.

Now curious, I took the bags under my eyes for a short-haul trip to Google and found headlines such as: “Adults Are Sleeping With Stuffed Animals For Better Sleep, Peace of Mind.” “Bedtime Habits Survey: 40 Per Cent of Adults Still Sleep With Childhood Stuffed Animal.” “The Rise of Cuddly Comfort Objects For Anxious Adults.” “The Surprising Ways Stuffed Animals Can Affect Your Sleep.”

This is all surprising. Now I’m sitting here and thinking about buying myself a velvet lobster for Easter. On Amazon, I can also get a 50-inch bear. That seems too large. When the lights go out, I just want to improve my sleep, not feel like my wife and I are in a throuple with a furry Danny DeVito.

The New York Times offered some stuffed suggestions. These included things I’ve never heard of that sounded like code names for fighter jet squadrons: “Jellycat Bunnies,” “Amuseables,” “Warmies,” “Moosh-Moosh.”

The more I think about this, the more I’m ready to give it a go.

What do I have to lose? Mock me all you want. But if I can boost REM by going nose to nose with a “realistic Arctic fox” — another recommendation from the Times — everyone wins. My childhood stuffed dog, Max, is long gone. Maybe I’ll get an octopus. It could hug me all over. A stuffed bald eagle would also be cool. I could tuck my CPAP hose under her wing and pretend she is feeding me regurgitated worms at 3 a.m.

Thanks to recent horror movies, Winnie-the-Pooh is no longer an option.

No matter. Science has just convinced me to sleep with a stuffed animal.

What I like most is this is doable compared to other sleep tips.

Anyone can buy a stuffed animal. What I can’t do is leave my phone in another room before nighty-night, as experts suggest. No alcohol three hours before bedtime? Let me laugh harder. I can slip into an N1 state and progress toward theta waves by augmenting mindfulness with meditation or talking to a plant?

I just want to get some rest. I don’t want to have a heart-to-heart with a cactus.

The key is to not get too attached to your new stuffed animal. Just think of it as a plush pillow with googly eyes. I say this after reading a story in the Mirror this week: “My Boyfriend, 40, Talks About His Stuffed Toy Like It’s a Real Person — It Needs To Stop.”

The stuffed toy is named Fluffy. According to this anonymous woman, her boyfriend says stuff like: “I was telling Fluffy what a great time we had last night, and I should go to bed soon, Fluffy is lonely.”

The woman posted her concerns on a mom website, probably because now she can’t sleep. Other posters were aghast. Suggestions ranged from breaking up to kidnapping Fluffy. One person noted: “You can’t sleep with a man who talks to his soft toy!”

Maybe not. Or maybe? This boyfriend has a great job and is otherwise lovely.

You know why? He always gets a good night’s sleep with Fluffy.