Kate Middleton has some ‘splaining to do: The Princess of Wales just made those royal conspiracy theories much, much worse

Can you imagine if we find out Kate Middleton never had dimples?

They were Photoshopped onto her face this whole time. I have tried to avoid writing about the Royal Family this year, mostly because the great Sarah Laing has you covered. But when royalty and conspiracy collide, strap King Charles into a UFO because here we go.

So, without the benefit of a Kensington Palace heuristic, here’s the “Katespiracy” in rough timeline: Catherine, Princess of Wales, has abdominal surgery on Jan. 17. She is discharged from the hospital 12 days later. Starting Jan. 29, she pulls a Richard Simmons or Melania Trump and vanishes from the public eye.

If Kate were a normie, this would be ho-hum. If I had major surgery, I’d lay low for a few weeks instead of straying into Home Depot to reach for a gasket with muffled groans.

Alas, Kate is not a normie. Her disappearing act has turned royal watchers into QAnon as conspiracy theories swirl around her health, marriage and very existence. Where is Kate? Is she in a coma? Was she abducted?

There are only two ways public figures can deal with unwanted speculation: they can nip it in the bud or they can make it much, much worse.

On Sunday, Mother’s Day across the pond, the princess made things much, much worse when she shared a photo in which she is posing with her three children: Prince George, Princess Charlotte and that rascal Prince Louis.

The problem? The image was doctored. By the ghoulish standards of Celebrity Photoshop Fails, these were minor anomalies: an incomplete zipper, fabric blurring, curiously splayed fingers, a missing clump of hair. It wasn’t like when a Kardashian gives herself an extra toe or shrinks her waistline by three sizes.

But this was an officially sanctioned image. The manipulation forced wire services, including the Associated Press and Reuters, to issue a rare “Picture Kill.” This is a red alert for news outlets: Do not run this photo because we can’t verify it is real.

On Monday, to her credit, Kate fell on her pixelated sword and took the blame: “Like many amateur photographers, I do occasionally experiment with editing. I wanted to express my apologies for any confusion the family photograph we shared yesterday caused.”

But even with that, she somehow made things much, much worse.

The late Queen Elizabeth embraced the royal adage “never complain, never explain.” If I were advising the future queen, I’d be like, “Ah, Royal Highness? You got some ’splaining to do. People are now wondering if you are even alive.”

Online sleuths suggested the photo Kate shared on Sunday was a cut-and-paste job in which her kids were inserted into a Vogue cover shoot from 2016. This is obviously nuts, but it’s wildfire this week.

Is Kate using a body double? Was that Pippa in disguise?

Now all royal images are under scrutiny.

On Feb. 7, when Prince William resumed his duties after his wife’s surgery, was he really posing with Tom Cruise at a fundraiser? Or did a tech Photoshop Mr. Cruise’s face onto the body of a hapless busboy who was clearing crumpets?

Catherine, Princess of Wales, you need to clear things up.

Hold a live press conference. Grant an exclusive interview to Piers Morgan and appear on his always engaging “Uncensored.” Ride the London Eye for an afternoon while fielding queries from concerned fans down below. Share an abdominal X-ray. Stage a one-woman play at the Old Vic. Mud wrestle Meghan Markle for charity.

Do something to kill the Katespiracy that is spiralling out of control.

She’s not doing herself any favours with this Houdini act. But I feel sorry for Kate. She serves a 1,200-year-old institution saddled with antiquated strictures while also coping with the modern day pressures of image and beauty.

The truth is, most celebrities monkey around with pics before posting. There are more filters on social media than synthetic oil at Mr. Lube. That person’s teeth aren’t that white. Their backside does not have that curvature. That gleam in their eye can’t be replicated in real life.

The world as we know it is now bombarded with fake images.

I had dinner at Patrick Corrigan’s house a while back and the brilliant political cartoonist introduced me to an amusing app. Subjects in a still photo can be made to look like they are singing famous songs. It’s creepy software that turns a fixed jawline into a moving face with uncanny fluidity. It really looks like grandma is belting out “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

We screw with photos to tickle ourselves or smoke-bomb reality.

For normies, no big deal. But if you are the Princess of Wales and royal watchers are already freaking out about your whereabouts, Photoshop is not your friend.

It is just an open invite for more scrutiny.

Catherine? Release the untouched image with a time stamp and all metadata. Or stand on a balcony and wave to cameras so people can see you’re not on Mars.

If not for you, do it for me. I don’t want to add “Katespiracy” to the list of things I need to track. I’m already up to my eyes with AI, birds, “Sesame Street,” aliens, shants, thermostat wars, robots, dating surveys, swearing parrots and that absolute lunatic Donald Trump.

Nip this in the bud, Kate. No need to complain if you just explain.

You don’t want this Katespiracy? Guess what? Neither do we.