Make Tim Hortons great again: some advice as the coffee chain turns 60

There are two kinds of Canadians: those who swear by Tim Hortons and those who mutter profanities just thinking about Tim Hortons.

When we were kids, we used to play this game called, “Would You Rather …” Someone would pose a wacky hypothetical and then everyone would answer.

Would you rather cheer for the Soviet Union or the Montreal Canadiens? Would you rather drive the General Lee from “Dukes of Hazzard” or KITT from “Knight Rider? Would you rather get shot or stabbed?

Here’s one: Would you rather drink coffee at Timmies or sip a mug of Clorox while watching Pierre Poilievre undress and re-enact scenes from “Magic Mike”?

That’s easy. Take it off, Mr. Poilievre. I’m ready for my lap dance.

I’m sure as hell not drinking that coffee.

Do they call it Double-Double because your taste buds are getting shot and stabbed?

But I don’t want to be negative, Timmies! Not as your special anniversary looms.

This once great Canadian institution, now owned by a quick-service global behemoth, is celebrating a milestone birthday in 2024: 60 years. That is not nothing. Tim Hortons is as old as Bose and First Manhattan. It has endured and become, quote-unquote, iconic.

Do I ever feel good about mocking national icons? Never. I feel sick about it, though not as sick as that time I ate a Boston cream doughnut that had the consistency of a puck. That foggy bottom “cream” nearly chipped a tooth.

I just had a flashback to the time I reluctantly ventured into a franchise to buy my daughters a box of Timbits as a post-ballet treat. It was like I was in a third-world train station. The glass doors were smudged with the possible fingerprints of carjackers. There was a slop bucket and mop left in the middle of the restaurant. Everything smelled like toasted coconut and ammonia. Two overworked clerks were trying to service a lineup longer than one outside a Bad Bunny concert.

This is still too negative. I want to be positive today.

So here’s some constructive advice in advance of Tim Hortons’ 60th anniversary in May.

Let’s start with the key to any great coffee shop: coffee. It should be robust and flavourful. The jolt of caffeine should tickle your synapses. Halfway through a morning cup of joe, you should feel alive and not dead on the inside.

But the few times I’ve been forced to waterboard myself with Tim’s java — usually when I’m in a far-flung Canadian town — I feel like I’m sticking my tongue into Niagara Falls and the current was warmed to room temperature. Why is the coffee so watery and blah?

It’s almost as if Tim Hortons wrongly assumes it is still a brewing monopoly.

My dad would sometimes duck into Timmies after hockey practice when we were kids. But here’s the thing: he didn’t have any options. There was no Starbucks or indie café on every corner. It was either Tims or hot chocolate from a vending machine inside the rink that once scalded his mittens with an unexpected late burst of malfunctioning steam.

He grew very scared of that machine. So Tims it was.

That is no longer true today. Coffee drinkers have options.

Bland sludge can be avoided.

But instead of seeing itself as a Canadian icon in recent years, instead of staying one step ahead in the drip-drip race, Tim Hortons took its eye off the percolator and allowed the competition to catch-up and leap ahead in taste and quality. Gas stations sell better coffee. Have you ever had a cappuccino at Tim Hortons? Is a cappuccino supposed to taste like skimmed milk was squirted into the discarded H2O from a pot of linguine?

Many readers get boiling mad whenever I write stuff like, “I hate Tim Hortons more than I hate Donald Trump.” Or the coffee tastes like it was filtered through packing peanuts and left in a carafe of soot. This is just tough love. The truth is, I want Tim Hortons to return to form and forge fond memories for future generations. Make Timmies Great Again.

I am cheering as I am gagging.

The 60th anniversary is in May. Festivities started this week with the return of “retro doughnuts,” including the Dutchie, Blueberry Fritter, Cinnamon Sugar Twist and Walnut Crunch. The company is unveiling new cups, boxes and packaging.

But you know what it is not doing? Getting world-class about hot coffee.

Tim Hortons needs to stop screwing around with cold brews and tacky merch and collabs with Justin Bieber. This may be good marketing. But it’s tertiary. Does anyone really care if “Omelette Bites” returned this week? Sea Salt Wedges? Craveables?

None of this matters if the coffee tastes like suffering.

Here’s another idea: every location should have enough staff to deal with peak customer demand. When I’m driving in the morning, why is every Tim Hortons a backdrop for dozens of cars idling as if waiting for a pump after the cost of fuel tumbled by half overnight? The company should innovate and create two lanes with two windows and twice the order takers and makers: the world’s first Double-Double Drive-Thru.

Forget roll up the rim. Roll up the customer service.

Happy birthday, Tim Hortons.

If I could, my gift to you would be better coffee for all Canadians.