Mariah Carey has never heard of ‘white elephant parties’ and she’s not alone

Show of hands: have you heard of white elephant gift parties?

I ask after reading a story in People this week: “Mariah Carey Has Never Heard of White Elephant Gift Parties.” Since Ms. Carey is the Queen of Christmas — she’s like the King of Kensington, but with glitter and jingle bells — that headline has a subtext of disbelief.

Almost like: “The Easter Bunny Has Never Heard of Painted Eggs.”

From the Mariah story: “While caroling, wearing matching pajamas and opening one gift on Christmas Eve are among the festivities that make up her yuletide plans, she admitted that she’s unfamiliar with the popular gift exchange known as white elephant.”

Do you ever feel like you just landed on Earth? Someone recently asked me if I’ve microdosed ketamine. It’s like he was reciting the Periodic Table in Njerep. I had no clue. At dinner with a friend on Friday, my entrée came with “seasonal vegetables,” including charred green orbs the size of acorns. I had no idea I was eating brussels sprouts.

Then I tried to make them myself this week and something went terribly wrong.

As Carey told People: “I don’t know of said white elephant gift party.”

Mariah? Me neither. And I have decades of Xmas Xperience under my ugly Christmas sweater. What is a white elephant gift party? Does everyone dress up like Dumbo or Mrs. Jumbo and pound back spiked eggnog while mothballing the mistletoe to avoid any future #MeToo misunderstandings? Is confusion the elephant in the room?

According to People, white elephant is a “party game in which guests bring gifts that they open at random and trade.” Huh? That just sounds like an unruly Secret Santa.

Wikipedia notes white elephant gifts should be “amusing and impractical.” A website devoted to this ritual lists several rules, including drawing numbers, sitting in a circle, swap order, unwrapping sequencing, blah blah bauble.

But then the site slips up: “There’s really no right or wrong way to play.”

Yeah, who needs rules if nobody has heard of the game. Hey, who wants to play Black Jaguar this Christmas? You go to Dollarama, buy a gift for someone you hate and throw it out the car window. Then when a startled stranger bends over to pick it up, you shout, “Joyful Black Jaguar!” and race home to watch “How The Grinch Stole Christmas.”

The older I get, the more I find myself thinking … Never heard of it.

Just over the last year: Pickleball? Never heard of it. Dominica? Never heard of it. Large language model? Never heard of it. Vampire wasp? Never heard of it. Ketchup and Seemingly Ranch dipping sauce? Never heard of it. Vivek Ramaswamy? Never heard of it and now I really wish it had stayed that way because that smug blowhard is an Alex Jones in brownface who is somehow more annoying than, “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”

The culture is in overdrive and it is impossible to hear of everything.

Show of hands: have you ever used the word “rizz” in conversation?

Me neither. I listen to hours of podcasts every week and have never heard anyone say it. But this week, Oxford University Press declared “rizz” its Word of the Year. This led to a spike in Google searches for, “What does rizz mean?”

Think about that. Most of us have never heard of the Word of the Year? By the way, rizz is a slang derivation of “charisma” that was popularized by Tom Holland. It means charming and attractive. As in: “Man alive, that Vivek has no rizz!”

Fun fact: when Mr. RamaSmarmy attends a white elephant, he brings a box of signed 8×10 headshots and then patronizes other guests with disjointed soliloquys about how Santa violates open borders and Rudolph is cheering for Russia because of NATO.

We are now living at a time when some people believe fake news and others have never heard of real stuff. Recent headlines: “Bake Off Fans Say ‘Never Heard of It’ To Final Technical Challenge.” “The Fastest Aircraft Ever Built — And You’ve Never Heard of It!” “Half of Americans Who Need an RSV Vaccine Have Never Heard of It.” “Russell T Davies Reveals Neil Patrick Harris ‘Had Never Heard of’ Doctor Who Before Joining the Show.” “A $10 PC Game Is Taking Over Steam (& You’ve Probably Never Heard of It).” “72% Have Never Heard of One of The Most Common STIs In The World.”

That could be dangerous, especially if you mistake a key party for a white elephant.

Here’s to a 2024 in which more is heard.

OK, with your indulgence, let me close by saying the elves here in the East York Bunker are shutting down our laptops for another year. Save for a column next weekend for the Star’s Santa Claus Fund — if you donate, I’ll buy you a pickleball racket — that’s it for me until the calendar flips. I will miss you as I try to decipher the acronyms my daughters text.

A heartfelt thanks for your emails and comments this year. I always feel like I’m in university because not a week goes by in which I don’t learn from Star readers.

Not sure how this should be phrased, but: You people have rizz or you are rizz.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Joyful Black Jaguar to one and all.