Who cares if Ron DeSantis wears lifts in his shoes? He should be measured by his ideas, not his height

Does Ron DeSantis secretly wear lifts in his cowboy boots?

I know. With so many real problems in the world, this is about as important as a feud on “The Real Housewives.” But now that American politics is itself a reality show, scrutinizing the height of Mr. DeSantis is getting more media play than shrinkflation.

My parents taught me to judge others by their ideas and character, not if they need to stand on tippy toes to fetch a box of Special K atop the fridge. But here we are. Newsweek on Monday: “Ron DeSantis Addresses Rumors That He Wears Lifts in His Boots.” Politico on Tuesday: “3 Expert Shoemakers Say Ron DeSantis Is Probably Wearing Height Boosters.” Also this week, according to HuffPost, a podcast host challenged DeSantis to remove his alleged elevator boots and get tape measured in “a pair of very fancy Ferragamo loafers to prove he’s 5 feet, 11 inches, as he claims.”

That’s not even tall. It’s not as if DeSantis is claiming to dwarf Shaq.

But not since news broke about Imelda Marcos’s 3,000 pairs of shoes has the footwear of a public figure garnered this much speculation. There are more TikTok accounts now devoted to DeSantis’s boots than Kardashian stilettos.

In October, Donald Trump — the lying narcissist and quadruple-indicted charlatan DeSantis is trying to dethrone — shared a meme with his speckle-raged cultists. It was a photo of DeSantis getting interviewed on HBO’s “Real Time With Bill Maher.”

The image was marked up with yellow anatomical lines, calculating where a normal leg might end and a foot may sprout. The caption: “Tell me he isn’t wearing hidden heels.”

That Trump is ridiculing anyone’s physique is beyond rich. This summer, during one of his many court bookings, Trump listed his stats as six-foot-three and 215 pounds.

Even Stevie Wonder was like, “Come on, man.”

Justin Trudeau is six-foot-two. But during a photo of G7 leaders in 2019, he was taller than Trump. What’s that all about? Given Trump’s fealty to truth and reality, is it possible two little people are paid to inhabit his pants legs and carry him around to make him look twice as tall? It’s possible.

But now the impossible has happened: I feel sorry for Ron DeSantis.

If ageism is the last acceptable form of discrimination, heightism remains an implicit cultural bias we can’t shake. I remember once hearing that more than 90 per cent of all CEOs are six feet or taller. A 2020 study in PLOS found there is a correlation between every additional inch of height and higher annual income. Or as the Guardian wondered this spring: “When will the obsession with men’s height end?”

It’s not just men. It’s probably harder to be a six-foot-four woman than a four-foot-six man.

Who cares if DeSantis can dunk a basketball without jumping or curl up and fit in your glove box? He should be measured by his ideas. Judge him by his book banning. Judge him by his desire to treat every woman’s body as a possible crime scene.

Judge him by the fact he has all the charm and warmth of a Komodo dragon.

My childhood talking GI Joe action figure was more engaging.

Height is as meaningless as eye colour. And yet, in politics, height is under a perennial microscope. Mike Johnson, the new Republican Speaker of the House, is listed in various sites as between five-foot-eight and six-foot-two. Does it really matter?

It’s his radical ideology and religious fanaticism that should be sized up. This maniac is against birth control and the theory of evolution. He wakes up each morning, fingers crossed, waiting for the Second Coming. To understand his world view, he recently told Fox’s Sean Hannity, all you have to do is read the Bible. Wow.

I really hope Jesus does return in my lifetime so I can witness the Last Judgment, even if I end up in hell. Man alive, Jesus will pepper dolts like Mr. Johnson with questions: “Mike, how do tax cuts for the rich help the downtrodden? Why are you using my name to raise political donations or not help Ukraine? Can you please cite the biblical passages that champion insurrection and election denialism? Mike, you claim to be in a ‘covenant marriage’ and yet you worship Trump, a thrice-wed sinner who had affairs with porn stars, never goes to church and doesn’t know Moses from a McChicken?”

DeSantis should lean in to this height “controversy.” His sputtering campaign is already crashing and burning. He’s got nothing to lose. Ron, call a press conference and jog out barefoot in boxer shorts as a nurse measures your height on one of those telescoping scales with the steel level that rests on your skull. Wheel out your cowboy boots and dump them upside down until the wooden doll moulds fall out and reporters gasp.

It’s time to put an end to heightism. Do we not live in a world of push-up bras and Ozempic and LASIK eye surgery? We are a society full of body cheaters. DeSantis should deliver his future speeches while wobbling on stilts. He should announce new policy platforms after getting shot out of a cannon. It might not help him beat Trump.

But it would send a global message that transcends the smallness of his politics.

It is time for heightism to have a seat.